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The Day I lost my Virginity (sortof that is)


You might say things have been slowly developing.

I?ve been a Crossdresser for a good long time.

I?ve got all the stuff and more.

There are so many shoes??Black ones,. White ones., Red ones
and now this week I came across my size in the $5.00 rack at Walmart.

Hum size 9, double ankle strap, four inch heel?..what?s to think about.

It?s only when I got home and was prancing around, that I got to thinking.

Silver? Now I?m going to have to spend a bundle to match up these.

Made a note to watch out for a Silver purse on sale.

So it goes???.a tranny is never finished shopping.


Actually, all my buying of bustiers and matching thongs is more relevant to this post.


I?ve made a decision,
and so I?m trying to get ready,
for the day HE pops the question.


There is this friend who has moved away and has a beautiful condo over looking the water.

He still comes around once a week, bring treats of all sorts. But then you?ve heard about him in prior posts, haven?t you.

Just before christmas I finally told him because he visits irregularly, and if I?m dressed I can?t answer the door.
Rather than see him disappointed, I told him why I seem to be away, but that I?m actual at home.

He took it extremely well. I kinda think he has homo leanings. Why else would this big good looking blond guy be interest in a little guy like me?

I think he still looks upon himself at straight and all that;
but, according to his Ex,
he is a real dud in the bedroom.

Being a gurl, I am not going to chase him,
but, I know one day soon, he will just blurt it out.
Come over when you can and we?ll have lunch?..I?m a good cook.



Now finally, I get to my point.


Today I bought a Butt Plug.



Not those little tiny ones called TINY FLIRT but rather the BIG FLIRT .

I had been sort of leading up to this and been, (Yuck), using my fingers.
By this time I was able to get three in and if I really want to?..the little finger as well;
I just knew it was time to do some research online and get the best plug I could.
I ended up with a Tantus product. It
s 100 % silicone, and not overly long, but good and wide, because I needed to work on stretch that would last..Oh yes..it's very flexible and never hurts anything inside you.


Let me lead you through the process of dressing this first time.



A couple of times earlier today I had done a good enema (again Yuck), and so I was good-to-go in that department.

First Item was to put on my Hose?? An off-white set with a shimmer to them.
They have sort of a built in Suspender system that has a waist elastic strap.

Those afore memtioned Silver Strappies?Actually they are the first pair with a double buckle strapping that I?ve ever owned.

These legs look so hot in high heels.


I?ve taken to wearing a Thong quite a bit recently. Today I?m wearing a red one. I put on the matching cute red bra first, then the thong.

Next I Sort of bend over after covering the Butt plug with Lotion.

It?s purple, that?s my colour you know.

Slowly, I allow it to enter.
Turning it a bit and taking my time, I suppose it took a minute to get there.
It went quietly into place with a final little zip. I don?t know how else to call it.

All I know is it sort of fell in.

There was no pain.

There was no fullness.

It was just there now.

I don?t think it would even come loose on me but I covered it with the thong , which is more like a rope at that point.

Works fine.

I?ve been sort of hoping the butt plug would help out my wiggle but I?m not so sure now.

What with my heels and that practiced locking of the knee as I stride does produce a nice subtle wiggle anyways.



Now where was I.


Continuing to dress,

Rather, I forget to mention the very first thing I had done when starting out naked, was to put the Makeup concealer under my nose on the upper lip.
That seems to be the only place I have a problem with some beard.showing.


I proceeded to put on jewelry, while I added the eye liner and did my eye brows. Liquids like
Concealers and Liners must have time to dry . Say ten minutes ?..for sure five minutes at least.


The Lipstick and Blush go on very fast.


The dress selection for the day probably was wrong, but I like the way this one really conforms to my body and I need a chain assister to do up the zipper back.


Lastly, I put on a shoulder length wig and then I?m ready.



BUTT PLUG AND ALL !



I?m not sure but I kinda think, I?m going to use the plug every time I dress from now on?

Somehow I feel More Complete.

Surprising now that I?m doing it, I don?t feel DIRTY about using it at all. I think the secret is always think clean and keep a towel handy for sitting on chairs. YES I used lots of lotion.



In the back of my mind??.

I think I?m ready for that guy????..

if he ever gets enough nerve to ask me over to his place.



(Silly ?..of course I carry condoms?.always have??.always will)

Looming changes fraught with danger and excitement



I?m not sure that it?s like springtime fever, but Mike Walker of the Enquirer magazine calls it ?Man Fever?.

I guess it?s that restlessness that pushes the hormones to the surface, especially when other forces seem to part ways like the Red Sea for Moses in days long ago.

The opportunity to be that young stud once more, or rather to be that young damsel swepted up in the vortex of the moment.

Both know better but the clashing of the ?Man Fever?.

And so to hell with the family planning, the security of the long-term relationship, as the fire and the warmth of the devil has set free the ravishes of the ?Man Fever?.


Now I have had a friendship, that seems to border on this concept. Now here today a horoscope came that seem to suggest it knew of this relationship.

It?s down right spooky. Here it is for you to review.

**********************************************************************

You and a certain someone have been dancing around a big issue for a while now.

The issue is monogamy, and you've been doing the two-step because you're not sure about waltzing just yet.

Well, wait a little longer.

Truly getting close doesn't happen overnight.

Things have a way of working themselves out, though, if you step back and give them a little time.

Besides, now that you're at least sharing the same dance floor, anything's possible.


****************************************************************************

Time will tell if there is a decision to be made.

For now, I would be please to have a key to his condo overlooking the lake.
The reason is rather prosaic.
I want to take pictures of myself in his spacious digs.

Perhaps one day I could drop in to prepare lunch, while he watched this gurl fancy up his lovely abode with her presence.

Now just maybe there is more to the relationship than that; and maybe there isn?t, but that would depend on the element of ?Man Fever? wouldn?t it.

I really don?t think that is even on this man?s very pragmatic mind,
But then I don?t really know, and then there is the horoscope.

After all he does share the same birthdate with myself??

The Returned Gift

Back at Christmas of 2004, I had made an effort to give a couple of large framed photos of myself to a good neighbour.

Today, the pictures were returned.

Now I'm not too sure what to make of it.

He seemed quite taken by the pictures at the time.

It sort of reminds me of a meeting I had with a guy a couple years ago.

He was all excited about our meaning; you know wanting a kiss and all that. It took him a year to get around to sending an Email.


I think when it comes right down to it, "straights just can accept themselves as being interested in a Tranny. Sort of like not wanting to think of them selves as Gay. Now Trannies are not female or Gay but there is definitely something that bothers males about being involved in anything but some clandestine backstreet arrangement.

I guess they still think "they can do better".

It's hard to put all your efforts into something and be brave (or foolish) enough to come out to one you feel you can trust and find the door being closed gently but firmly.



Note : I am so happy to have these pictures back....they're great.

Valentine's Day

As Valentine's day came upon us this year, I was reminded of that old story.

It was in the 1920s as I recall. I was newly married and working at the lumber mill.

There was this big bear of a man.
Whenever this quiet man spoke people listen....they would be wise to.
I've witnessed his mean side more than once.
I was finished my shift and preparing to go, when I hear his deep rumbling voice behind me.
"What did you get that pretty little wife of yours?"
Actually I hadn't even thought about it.
He seemed to pick up on the fact , without me even saying a word.

"Do the flowers and chocolates thing, it's insurance."
I didn't really understand but I did.

Now, here it is these many years later and I still marvel at the astute wisdom this simple man had expressed so well.

Do the flowers and chocolates thing, it's insurance"


I did that this year.

Truffles for the femmes, and oh yes, a cute little cocktail dress for myself. I'm definitely in the mood.


As a footnote to this years Valentine's,
I am reminded of that old Shaver commercial on the Television, wherein the guy says I liked the shave so much I bought the Company!

In my case,
I liked that little black dress so much,
I went back the next day and bought two more of the same!

The Crossdresser
lifted from the ramblings of one tragically caught in it's web



The crossdresser will be made to believe himself wierd, perverted, or sick.

He will have to deal with social ostracism, guilt, and loss of self-esteem.

More importantly, because the crossdresser cannot stop what he is doing, he will made to loathe himself for being weak-willed and different.

He will feel extremely isolated and, in fact, will actually be, very much alone.

Crossdressing and sex; They are very closely intertwined.

For his imagination and titillating new masturbatory fantasies are thus fashioned.

He might try high heels.

He might add a wig.

He might even experiment with earrings or false fingernails.

Because he equates women with sex, he starts turning his masturbatory sessions into more and more realistic episodes of crossdressing..........................

In doing so, he isn't particularly aroused by the ersatz woman he is creating.................................

Rather, he uses her as a triggering device helpful in conjuring up an imaginary and highly arousing fantasy scenario.

This, in turn, stimulates his sexual desires and reintensifies his masturbatory pleasure.............................

The most important thing about all this is that, through this process, our young man, quite unknowingly,..............
is slowly turning himself into a full fledged Crossdresser...............

He will soon find that he can't stop his dressing.............................

Not only will he be troubled by the perception that what he is doing is wrong, sinful, or perverted.

He will also become increasingly alarmed by his inability to stop.....................................

The Crossdresser is compulsive.

The Crossdresser must dress.

He can't stop. ....................................................

He will try to repress his urges.

He will throw his masturbatory adjuncts away.

He will promise himself that he will stop.

He may even succeed for a few weeks or months.

But despite his best intentions, he'll eventually do it again....................................

When he does, he will hate himself -- for being weak, for giving in, for lacking control.......................................................

Despite this self-loathing, he will continue to dress -- and masturbate while dressing -- when he has the time and the privacy to do so.

Once this cycle starts, his Crossdressing and his sexuality begin to get even more blurred, muddled, and equated............................................

Dressing begins to intrude on everyday thoughts and desires and increasingly begins to monopolize private or semi-private behavior.

Our CD will see an otherwise innocuous advertisement for a dress in the newspaper.

Doing so will trigger a fantasy episode involving how he might look in it and how it would feel if he wore it...............................................

He will become excited and aroused in the process.

Our CD will take off from work, or cut school, just to find private time to dress, and fantasize, at home.......................................

He will begin to spend money on clothing and items of women's apparel -- to heighten his arousal and spin new fantasy scenarios -- despite the fact that the money spent is really needed, or could be more productively used, for more useful or important things.

He will begin to buy women's things for himself by catalog or in embarrassed forays to drug store cosmetic counters.

He will hide his purchases and use them only when he is alone and feels himself safe from discovery........................................................

Rapt in a self-induced fantasy and oblivious to consequences, he might even go out in public dressed for short nightly drives or walks -- and risk arrest, exposure, or major humilation and embarassment in the process.

He might even give his dressed persona a secret feminine name and develop a private fantasy "self" that he brings out for periodic private or public forays "en femme".....................

These episodes are likely to be followed by periods of genuine remorse......................................

The clothing that has been accumulated will be seen as the source of the sin and will be periodically destroyed or "purged."............................................

With new resolve, the CD will again promise himself never to dress again..................................

He will fail, and the whole cycle will repeat itself.

The failure will be seen as a lack of resolve and the CD will feel guilty about this and diminished.....................................

Ultimately he will just give up and resign himself to being what he is.....................

What he is, is a crossdresser......................

He will continue to be one for the rest of his life.

Picking Your Poison (Reasons For Doing)

(Gleened from an article concerning the reasons for crossdressing, a virtual shopping list of choices why----- published by a Professional Analyst )



A CONSCIOUS ALTERNATIVE PERSONALITY


That of an alternative "female" personality which is a different person from the male.

"She" frequently has "her" own name, makes "her" own social niche, and has "her" own history.

Many crossdressers refer to their "female" selves as their "sister" or with another third person term when they are not in drag.

("My sister went out the other night and she had a ball!")

This is often a matter of convenience when conversing with other crossdressers.

But for some crossdressers this alternative personality has a "life of her own."

This is not, however, a split personality because the crossdresser knows that the "female" character is an illusion, a character in a drama produced and directed by the crossdresser himself.

The transvestite who has created an alternative personality actually finds satisfaction in bringing that character to "life" and in playing out episodes of the drama.

Yah , that's me alright !

TAKING STOCK 2004


As the year is now ended: Yes it's been a very severe one, but then I think I may have more than some
Of those unfortunates in the world.

It's time to make a count..... let's get started.............


I must say...I did start counting December 31st, but then I started washing and cleaning....So here I am January 1st, 2005. At this point I'm not too sure of anything after last night...but it looks like a "passable listing"


1. 10 pairs of High Heels
2. 2 pairs of Boots (high heeled of course)
3. 3 Skirts
4. 7 Tops (blouse type)
5. 3 Summer Sun Dresses
6. 6 Tops (Tank top type)
7. 7 Brassieres
8. 2 Winter Coats
9. 2 Business Suits
10. 4 purses
11. 3 wallets
12. 2 Jewelry Chests and maybe a pound of stuff
13. ? pound of Makeup Stuff
14. 3 Wigs
15. 2 Personas ( that means Gemini...now doesn't it)
16. 2 wide elastic style belts



That's about it.

I could go on to miscellaneous Stuff like Cars and Motorbikes but that really doesn't count for much
in this Closet Cross Dresser World.........now does it.

That's sort of counting up your Bank balances and credit cards isn't it.

Tsunami

It's not been a good year for lots of folks.

Myself, I've experienced my share of death to relatives and serious personal health concerns during this 2004......I don't know why now.

A good acquaintance....quietly closed down his web group site........it's only later the story came out...... The hurricane that sunk his Boat......The Tornado that destroyed his Durango truck......His s/o returned to active treatments for Cancer. Needless to say, he is depressed and had enough of this year.

Today's 9.0 rated Earthquake and the resultant Tsunamis ravaging the East from Sumatra to India...the death toll at this hour passing 24000------probably on it's way to 100,000.

It's been a bad year (and I'm not even mentioning the re-election of George Bush and his Iraq war)

Tsunami...................Who'd a thought the world would have shook so violently.....Is some force telling us something.


I'm told this is all the natural process of our earth......learn to live with it.....Yah right.

Christmas Shopping



It's been quite a shopping spree this year.

So far I've got three pairs of shoes and yesterday I got a suit.

I shopped the malls looking for the right suit.
I prefer Red with no collar. Jacket the same colour and pattern as the Dress.

Because of my strict budget. I'm notorious for not spending on This hobby - well at least, I don't spend hundreds every year.

I ended up at good old Walmart.

George seems to be the best value for ladies wear.

Unfortunately I got a size 14 suit to be safe....boy o boy, was it too big.

I was all set to exchange it, but then thought why not change the style while doing the alteration.

So there it is now----all done---- with a proper side split and doing away with the center vent.

It really looks pretty good !

Hey, I think I could do alterations for a living.......that is.....if I actually wanted to go back to working.

Upon reflection, that's a real bad idea.